Let the fun begin!
Step One: Determine body type. Ya ok I got this one….too big, too round, too much….but seriously, body types include; apple, pear, boyshape and hourglass. Did I say seriously?! How did chubby, thick and chunky not make this list?
Lesson 1: Take it easy on yourself and face the facts that there are no real body types except not perfect…lol…
Step Two: Two hours and four drinks later I finally commit to my not perfect body type and now comes the 6 hour course to learn what kind of suit flatters my type………..
maillot, bandeau, monokini, swim dress, classic bikini, string bikini, tankini, thong…..stop, stop, stop….geeze it is like shopping for Sybil. It makes me want to run screaming the other way longing for the good ‘ole days of one piece and two piece suits. This is the problem of today everyone has wayyyyyyyy to many choices.
Lesson 2: Best choice is a suit that covers what needs to be covered and supports what’s sagging and price is not an option. If it makes you look good…get it!
Step 3: Like a good little soldier I prepare for battle and muster up the courage to head to the mall. Of course when I arrive at the local mall, I suddenly realize that I had committed strategic suicide. Did I not think this through enough? Had I not planned this right? How did I miss the most important sign of summer??!!
School’s Out!!!
It’s hard enough to shop for suits in my condition (refer back to body types chubby, thick and chunky) much less shopping amongst a gaggle of modern day Gidgets that have been dropped off at the mall by parents longing to get rid of these texting terrors for the afternoon.
Of course they too are suit shopping with their tiny waists, long legs and big, perky breasts. Did I mention big?! Have you noticed the teens of today? Back in my day there was one, maybe two girls in school that filled out their sweaters that the boys all drooled over and the girls envied. Seriously have you really taken a good look at today’s teenage girls? What in the heck are they putting in the food?!! I think it is all the extra growth hormones they are shooting up chickens and livestock with being transferred to these kids. But I guess that is a blog for another day…lol…
Lesson 3: Never go shopping when school’s out. Go on a weekday before school lets out. This way no one gets hurt…lol…
Getting back to the subject at hand…
Step 4: Scouting. I get to the women’s department and look over the selection. Geeze I don’t think even my grandma would choose some of these?! I mean I know I am not the typical “thin” girl but I am not 90 years old either. Why is it that clothing industry thinks that if you are bigger than a size 12 your preferred fashion choices consist of unsightly floral prints, huge animal prints and the ever popular old maid and matronly look? I reluctantly make my selections and move on to the next step.
Lesson 4: K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid. (No offense intended) Simple solids sometimes do the trick.
Step 5: The Dressing Room. Of course all the suits I try on make me question the body type choice I committed too and come up with a few new types…shamu, barrel and what was I thinking!!!
I head out of the dressing room with my choice or I should say lack of choice, when the sales girl, who it too thin to be allowed to work in the woman’s department approaches me and asks if I need help. Like she can really relate to me. I am sure she sympathizes with my suit selection dispair. I give her a once over and spew out a polite “No thanks, I’m just looking” when inside I was screaming “Step away before I snap you like a twig!” It is then you realize maybe I should have brought backup.
Lesson 5: Don’t ever take your husband or boyfriend suit shopping. Despite what you think seeing you squeezing into spandex is totally sexy. While you are blankly staring in the brightly lit 3-way mirror horrified at what you see hanging out of your suit, you see him giving you the once over with that “Yeah Baby” look. It is in that moment you are contemplating strapping a Speedo on him and shoving him out of the dressing room.
Step 6: The long walk. As I walk out of the mall empty handed and feeling defeated, I remind myself that my son and husband could careless what I look like in a suit as long as I am there.
Lesson 6: Feel good about yourself and learn what looks good on you and stick with it. You could be at home with your feet up, sipping on a cool drink, ordering online.
Tammy
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